Promoting 101: This Is What Success Looks Like

After the night ends at 2AM, you must smile through at least four vodka redbulls, steady-eyed, and thank everyone for coming.

Your party friends will try to get you to go to some after-party. Some hot chick(s) will be there, and adding you to the entourage will up their game. Your real friends will to stand around and talk. Yes, talk to you about how great everything was, because they are so excited for you. And they are drunk.

You will smile, steady-eyed, through the four vodka redbulls you consumed to keep the bubbly charade going. Your ‘benefit’ friends may linger, waiting for the right moment to pop the “are you coming home with me, tonight?” question. You will feel guilty at the fact that they think that they’re the only contenders for your post-party downtime. And, your girl, if you have one… well, she’ll either be right there with you, or complaining that you didn’t give her enough attention during the party.

When everyone finally leaves, you will be left alone with the men in armani black. They will tell you that your ‘people’ didn’t spend enough money, that you are over $1000 short, and ask “How are we going to handle this?” as if there are more options than the obvious. You will attempt to negotiate – through four vodka redbulls – and maintain your composure as you tell them that you simply do not have the funds to make up the difference, and would appreciate their understanding. They will nod at you, indifferently. They feel sorry for you, as a woman… as a black woman… as a black lesbian woman. Life must be hard enough for you; you are so weird. You will hope real hard that they stay with this thought, and that it moves them enough to leniency, even though their pity angers and offends you.

Perhaps they will let you off the hook and keep your security deposit. Perhaps they will not. It depends on the weather, your outfit, and if the head armani dude has gotten laid recently. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. Nevertheless, you are there, alone, awaiting the verdict, ‘successful’ night, after ‘successful’ night.